Shinigami’s Bible: Learning the ways of Death
by Sev-chan
Summary: I believe in one god and he is the God of Death I will follow his teachings in The Ways of Death.1 Ways to die 2 Resurecting souls 3 Pretending to be alive 4 Vanishing without a trace 5 Entering dreams 6 Saving the............
1. Ways to die

Disclaimer: Don't own, Don't sue, Don't flame!! Warning: like always this is probably going to be yaoi.

Shinigami's Bible: Learning the ways of Death

Chpt 1: Ways to die.

Often at times people regret the choices they've made in their life. Sometimes ending up in tears because of regret. I could never be one of those people, at least that's how I've always felt. As I see it people have a tendency to blame themselves for everything. Secretly harboring the saint in them, just waiting for an opportunity to get all high and mighty. I honestly despise those sorts of people because they're all just pretending to be perfect. But people are far from perfect. The earth is full of humans who lie, cheat, steal, pillage, burn, break, kill, sell themselves for money, and rape. In this world there's no point to breath, you'll only end up imposing on someone else's space. If you take one step outside all you see is the evil in people waiting to make you look bad just to get ahead in this world. Who needs to get ahead in this world full of phonies and fakes. All this leads me to wonder, what possessed God to create such horrible likenesses of himself? Why mass produce these creatures with so many obvious flaws? Couldn't he have just made a copy of his better traits and let us have those instead? And in the end if I remember correctly, in the Bible didn't God flood the earth with water for forty days and forty nights to get rid of all the evil people inhabiting it? By the looks of it, that didn't really help much, except to lower the population.

I'm not about to complain too much, my family doesn't need to add my personal problems to their things to worry about. We're constantly low on cash and Mother barely has time to rest between jobs. She asked me to go out and get a job recently because of the fact she got laid off and we desperately need the money to keep us alive. I know it's got to be hard raising six kids on your own. Actually I've been the one taking care of my three brothers and two sisters, I have to, I'm the oldest. But when she got laid off she decided that she wanted to stay home and watch her family. But if anything, it was the worst thing I've ever done in my life. I did the most horrible thing ever to get the job; I slept with the guy who was hiring people for the position. There was no way I could feel bad for doing it. The job was paying six-seventy-five an hour. In this town you're lucky enough to even get minimum wage. I was competing against with about fifty other people for the job, the odds of me getting it the conventional way was slim, considering I was still in high school. The man was morally incorrect he was willing to give the job away for a quick fuck. The guy even knew I was still in my teens, but sadly to say I didn't mind it that much, considering I had already lost my virginity last year, to a hot jock. That's beside the point.

You know, I'd have to say the non-conventional way of getting paid is much more profiting then any conventional, moral, way. What I mean by that is, the hours weren't that great so.......I did something I knew would give my mother a heart attack if she found out. I started to do the selling yourself for money thing, I know it is wrong, but it brought home a lot more money for food and clothes. Now everyone seemed so happy that they were nicely clothed and feed regularly. The only problem was that it was at the coast of my body, but like I said before I couldn't feel bad I was doing it for a good cause, for my family. And recently I figured something out, I'm worth more dead then I am alive. I could provide my family with a sufficient amount of money to last them the rest of their adolescent life, just by dieing. The only problem now is I can't stand living like this anymore, knowing I could do much better laying beneath the ground.

"Duo please open your eyes!"

"Lady that's not going to bring him back any quicker."

"I don't care he's my baby!" I could hear sirens playing in the back round knowing fully well that I had not died as I had tried.

"Mother?"

"Oh Duo."

The world is full of impurities, and I'm just another blemish on the porcelain skin.

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A/N: A short but effective chpt if you ask me, and if anyone was in some way offended by my mentioning of God and the bible I'm sorry sincerely. But if you liked the chpt PLEASE REVIEW IT!! I have eleven chpts so far and I've got up to chpt six with plans on what's happening in the chpts so this should go by relatively fast taking into consideration that school doesn't get in the way too much.


	2. Resurrecting souls

Shinigami's Bible: Learning the ways of Death

Chpt 2: Resurrecting souls

I could hear the door open slowly, if my memory served me well I should be in a hospital right now. Laying in a bed in an overly clean room with an I.V. stuck into my arm, well that's comforting. Needless to say my plan backfired, instead of collecting insurance money, my mother was collecting bills. I definitely feel like shit now. Scary thing was I can't believe I actually went through with it. Never in my wildest dreams had I ever thought to kill myself, but I guess the thought of my family suffering got to me. I did what I thought had to be done to provide them with a better life, although now I'm just costing them more money. I can't ever do anything right, I'm just a foolish teenager lying in a bed. The soft cotton blankets on top of me were removed. For a second I thought they were just going to change them. Instead I felt something cold against my skin, not knowing what it was is what made me open my eyes. Before me I saw a man in a white coat with one of those stethoscope things that they use to I think listen to your heart beat. This honestly in my opinion was a stupid thing to do considering that I was hooked up to a heart monitor. The guy's a psycho not a doctor. I close my eyes before he notices I'm conscious, but sadly I fell asleep which wasn't altogether bad. I was just hoping to hear my mothers' voice. I hate not knowing what's going on in my surroundings especially when I'm not awake. I didn't like doctors either they made me feel awkward always poking, prodding, telling you to stick out your tongue to check for who knows what, and constantly giving you shots claming that you needed it only to catch something else a week later. Obviously I didn't trust them I can't and I won't.

"Duo if you can hear me I just want you to know that no matter what happens I'm always here for you" well that was undeniably my only friend, Wufei. Where the hell was my boyfriend? Didn't he care that I just attempted suicide? Granted I didn't figure on making it out alive, but still it hurts.

"Do you know him?" ok I don't know who that was, but that was a dumb question to ask.

"No, I'm just sitting here because they ran out of chairs in the waiting room." oh sarcasm, I had no idea I was rubbing off on the guy and suddenly....I feel bad.

I honestly find it odd how people adapt to their friends personality. Especially when the personality of that friend changes. When you first meet someone, that person is usually shy, even after a year of knowing that person; you still don't know them that well. Nobody ever will there are things that people hide in order to protect themselves. I've always been one of those people, but I've never been able to even to that well. Not being able to do the one thing to keep them safe. Will someone please tell me what kind of person can't even do that well? I don't know Wufei that great and he'll never know me, because I'll never give him the chance to.

"Sorry that was a stupid question wasn't it? I just came to check up on him that's all." it's a nurse I just know it. I heard the door slowly open in front of her as the soft taps of her shoes echoed down the hall before the door was completely closed.

"Duo your mom told me to tell you sorry she couldn't be here right now, she had to stay home and watch your brothers and sisters." he paused for a brief moment possibly trying to come up with a better topic to talk about to a supposed unconscious friend "honestly Duo, if you were having problems why didn't you come to me? You know I'm always willing too help. I feel like were not really friends because I wasn't there when you needed me the most. Or maybe you just don't trust me enough to be of any use, I'm so sorry Duo, forgive me for not being a better person." Wufei really is a good friend.

"I didn't want to get you down with my problem that's all." I really didn't feel like talking, but I didn't want my only friend to blame himself for my mistakes and neglecting to inform him of my emotional mishaps.

"Duo you're awake!" and then he did what every person does when an unconscious human wakes up "Doctor come quick Duo's awake!" he called the doctor like a cat would jump up if you screamed at it while it was sleeping. Like as if he was afraid I would suddenly fall back into a comatose state if he didn't act fast enough.

"Ah Mr. Maxwell I see that you really are with us this time." what did he mean by that?

"Huh?"

"Oh nothing the only important thing right now is that you're awake." that's only because he's getting paid, hell he'd get paid either way, meaning even if I die. But I'm pretty sure that's called malpractice or something of the sort. "Now I'm gonna ask you a few questions and run a few tests just to make sure you're fit to leave the hospital on your own."

I can see Wufei standing at the doorway with this worried expression on his face and know that I won't be able to answer any of the questions with him standing there. Not that I want to keep anything from him I just don't want to burden him in any way, shape, or form. But then again he'll probably end up thinking it's his fault that I can't talk in front of him. 'Wufei it's not that I can't trust you I'm just afraid you wont like the real me.'

"Mr. Maxwell?"

"Yes?"

"I'll need to do this in private without your friend present because some of the questions I will be asking will fall under the personal category." The doctor turns his head in Wufei's direction who in turn nods his head and leaves the room closing the door behind him.

"I'll answer whatever questions you want, as long as I am able to go home as soon as possible." I could hear the years of frustration in my voice come out in one breath, and I haven't even been on this earth that long to have acquired that many years, just seventeen going on eighteen.

"Why'd you do it?" he asked in a calm low voice, the kind you use right before you're about to cry and somehow I felt that's how he usually spoke to people.

"Truth be told I honestly don't want to talk about it and frankly I don't have to."

"True....if you don't mind I suggested to your mother that you go see a therapist."

"No, it's too expensive"

"You wouldn't have to worry about that, I'm willing to pay for it till your eighteenth birthday."

"What's in it for you?" sometimes I'm too quick to judge people, it's just a bad habit of mine.

"Nothing but knowing that I'm helping someone, plus my wife use to help anyone she could, when the opportunity showed itself that is."

"What happened to her?" I found myself asking before I even registered it in my mind.

"She passed away, old age."

"Oh.....I'm sorry"

"Don't worry I'm ok, right now all I want you to do is go see him. He's actually the son of a friend of mine; he just got out of college and needs the business. Will you at least think about it?"

I thought about it for five minutes and decided that it couldn't hurt to try. Even if I was a bit uncomfortable about the idea of someone else knowing my problems. Then again that's what the man's paid for. Listening to others problems and helping them get through it, or at least that's what I've heard.

"I'll do it."

"That's wonderful I'm sure Dr. Barton will be happy to get to know you." The days spent in the hospital were slow and long, but with Wufei there it didn't seem that bad. And when my best friend wasn't there Mother was right next to me, comforting me till I fell asleep. Finally my lover showed up lettermen's jacket and all, he plays baseball, not that it's important. He crawled up onto the bed and lay down next to me, holding me till we both fell asleep. A nurse came three hours later to wake us up; I still didn't understand why I was still there. Perhaps they were afraid that if they let me go too soon that I might try it again. But who could think about suicide when they were looking at the most beautiful blue eyes in the world. Before Heero left to go home the doctor came in and said that I'd be able to go home the next day. Maybe life didn't have to be so hollow after all.

God entrusted my soul with the greater goodness of my body now all I have to do is live.

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A/N: Sorry it took so long I got sick it was horrible I had a temperature of 101.8 not good. But at least I'm better now. This is my promise to you, the next time I update I'll post the next two chpts. Now PLEASE REVIEW THE FIC!!

Thank you for your time

Sev-chan


	3. Pretending to be alive

Shinigami's Bible: Learning the ways of Death

Chapter 3: Pretending to be alive

On most days I feel that if I'm not saying something no one will, and that if I don't smile my life will end. To tell you the truth this is how I always use to be, but you know what? I discovered something about myself, something hidden deep within these amethyst colored eyes of mine, the supposed door to my soul. I don't think anybody besides me would be able to see what I saw, it was total and complete emptiness...nothing, but a hollow soul. I went to those stupid therapy sessions, said everything I had kept to myself since the third grade. Children tend to do that a lot...keeps secrets because they feel that if their mother or father don't approve of what they're trying to hide, then they won't love them anymore. It's that fear that keeps everyone from being honest to one another, it's that fear that keeps me from being completely honest to myself, it's that fear that makes me cling to the only person I thought I could trust in to protect me from everything around me.

Monday was a pretty good day when it started I got up like always, got a ride from Wufei and his wife. Yes I said wife evidently he got married young, like at the age of fourteen, and it was an arranged marriage. He said it had something to do with tradition and upholding the family name, more or less just a bunch of formality. In a way I envy him, since Meilan and he are actually happy with the way it turned out. They love each other more than anything and I want the same thing they have; only I want it with Heero. Who by chance was the person who ruined my perfect day. Even my home life couldn't make me feel bad. I think the sessions I have with Trowa....apparently that's Dr. Barton's first name, which he wants me to call him by even though it's a bit unprofessional. He said that I didn't have to call him by his first name if I didn't want to, it's just that he doesn't care for being called by a title rather than his name.

The only thing I wanted now was Heero to come back and say it was all just a cruel joke a very very cruel joke. And if he did this wasn't going to be the kind of joke that you could look back on and laugh at. It was the kind to make you doubt all the trust you once put in this person. I can't help but think that God hates me, for what I'm not sure. Maybe in some way I lost faith in Him on my way to becoming who I am and now I'm being punished for it.

Flash back

The bell for lunch had just rung and the massive wave of teenagers seem to overflow the compact halls that are set to create the easy flowing currents of bodies. So that one could reach their lockers with ease and just as quickly wash away with friends to the nearest clearing to bask in the sun and eat. Gossip was constantly the bass of the school rhythm, drifting along the smooth wind so calm like music to ones ears, but still unable to comprehend the notes properly in order to transfer the intricate tones right.

In other words rumors spread fast and not one is forgotten so easily. I was walking with Heero since we both had the same class before lunch, it was strange though, and during class he hardly even spoke to me. Me not being entirely sure of what was going on through his mind at the moment decided it was best not to mention it till we were outside. So now here I was sitting next to Heero, not talking and it's completely overwhelming. Doing the first thing that came to mind I voiced the question that had been digging a trench in the back of my skull for an hour now.

"Heero are you mad at me?"

"...." why can't he just say yes or no?

"Heero....what did I do to make you upset?" I hate it when he stops talking to me; the last time he didn't talk to me was because I didn't tell him what was bothering me. How could someone get mad over something like that?

"Duo why couldn't you tell me? Why didn't you say anything?" I could see Heero clenching his fists in his lap.

"I didn't think it would matter." obviously I was wrong.

"Duo do you know how scared I was when I found out that you tried to....." he can't even bring himself to say it.

"Kill myself?" might as well help.

"Yeah.....I couldn't figure out what would make you feel like there was no other way out except death."

"Heero it wasn't a way out.....more like a well thought out plan that backfired."

"What the hell is that suppose to mean!"

"Look I had my reasons for doing what I did and I don't have to explain them to you!"

"Why the hell not we're in a relationship damnit we're suppose to tell each other our fears and faults! Not put on a fucking smile and act like every things alright then try to kill yourself!!" suddenly out of no where there's a crowed and I know this one is defiantly going to be the talk of the school for a long time. I really don't want to give them more to talk about, but we're both so caught up in yelling I don't think either of us could calm down anytime soon.

"I did what I did because I thought it would help not hurt people!"

"Who the hell was it going to help? Defiantly not your mother, brothers, and sisters. What good would it do anyone if you weren't there helping them!"

"I'm just wasting more money than I am bringing in, now tell me Heero how much that's helping my family staying alive, how is that putting food on the table damnit!! I don't want to talk about this here...."

"We're not talking we're yelling or at least we were."

"Heero just leave things alone."

"I can't."

"Well you're gonna have to!"

"I'm not just going to stand by and watch you hurt yourself, I can't."

"I'm not hurting Heero I..."

"Yes, you are and if you're not going to let me help than I can't be by your side anymore."

"What are you sa-"

"I'm sorry Duo, but this is goodbye." he whispered it into my ear as he slowly brushed the bangs off my face, we only locked eyes for a brief second then he walked off.

"....ah Heero you can't, I mean you said, but ah why?" I was too much in shock to believe that he had just done what he did, but it did happen. Slowly I sunk deeper into that hole of mine that I created years ago and convulsed into a fit of sobs in front of everyone. After that all anyone could hear were incoherent words and babble of how terrible I was.

End Flash back

Now here I am covered in blankets curled into a small ball hugging a pillow like it was my only source of life support. While I wait for someone to take me home and then to Trowa's office building all I can do is play that scene over in my head like a bad horror movie that won't end.

"Mr. Maxwell your ride is here." I turn over on the small bed and pull the covers off my face and meet with Wufei's dark obsidian colored eyes and I think that he finally sees the emptiness that is me.

"Thanks Wu." I say as we get into his Geo.

"Duo I don't know exactly what's going on anymore with you. First you try to commit suicide and now your getting into fights at school." he says all this while staring straight and driving.

"I didn't get into a fight, just a verbal one that's all."

"That's my point exactly."

"Look I understand you were worried."

"I wasn't the only one who was worried Duo so was Meilan, your mother, your family, and Heero. Did you even think about all the people you would hurt in the process of what almost happened, of all the people who care about you Duo?" Wufei's too insightful for his own good.

"No.." I never did think about it while I was doing it, all I was concerned with at the moment was.....money.

But to walk abruptly way from this world would case more pain then the day I came.

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A/N: Good, ne?


	4. Vanishing without a trace

Shinigami's Bible: Learning the ways of Death

Chapter 4: Vanishing without a trace

There's a moment in time when winter seems to last all year. And the pain seems to consume those who spend it alone. I think it's because that sheet of white, which covers the ground. Somehow it reminds everyone how truly empty they are inside. Until eventually the longing consumes them and they end up doing drastic things to ease or at least dull the pain. This in its self is hard to do when you don't have money to afford the things you need to do so. I can see the frost at the edges of my boots, which I would wipe off, but I can barely feel my hands and don't want to risk them going completely numb. If I could see my lips I know they would be a color to match my eyes, much like my fingers that have now gone cold as I pull the hood of my sweater over my head. I'm talking about winter because it's snowing in the early December weather, that unforgettable cold that seems lingers till late after spring has past.

This is supposed to be one of happiest days of my life. The supposed highlight of the days before Christmas. I suppose only nine people in my life know the reason why. And about only eight are wiling to celebrate it with me, my birthday. The only thing wrong with that is I'm not at home, I left. I couldn't take being there anymore you see my mother made a habit out of asking me if I was ok and constantly checked up on me while I was in my room. Hell she even went as far as to knock on the bathroom door every five minutes while I was in the shower. She was always telling me how much she loves me and how much my brothers and sisters love me. That once our dad comes back from where ever he went years ago everything will be ok and how it was meant to be, but I think she's just trying to fool herself. I don't blame her though she's just keeping hope alive for the sake of keeping it alive, her love for Dad. Obvious to say she was worried I would pull another stupid stunt. No offense to my mother, but she's just trying too hard and everything she does ends up annoying me.

Right now I'm sitting on a doorstep off in an alleyway next to an abandoned house, I tried to find a way in, but everything was blocked off so well. The would be rain if it were summer is snow and now falling freely again; I noticed it seems to fall in somewhat sort of five minute interval. I left my home during the second week of November, I've been gone for about a month now and no one seems to be looking for me. I would be upset, but I learned never to expect people to care. Why put your trust in someone who barely has any faith and trust in themselves. It's all pointless, life, loving, feeling, touching, breathing, it's all useless. With no one to hold you in their arms and tell you their dreams of the future why even seek love in the first place? I've had a lot of time to myself to think about everyone in my life and why that person is important. My mother gave birth to me I'll remember to thank her for that later, my brothers and sisters make me realize that life doesn't always have the same effect as it does to someone else. Wufei and Meilan in my life represent tradition and respect and serve as a great deal of support when I'm willing to lean. Heero was my love, he was the only person I thought I could run to when I needed to be held and told I mattered. Heero is no longer in my life because I couldn't be open, honest, and confident in myself. At this point in time I've cut out everything and all the people I knew, all I have left is me and I was never that sturdy to begin with.

Everyone's subject to change I'm no different, no matter how hard I try to stay the same.

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A/N: Yes this chpt was a bit short I seem to be stuck on shot chpts, but I like how they turn out besides I'm less likely to make more mistakes.

Iruka: I know I didn't mention Heero in chpt one I didn't even mention Wufei till chpt 2 I just figured that usually when you make decisions in that sort of state you tend to have a one track mind.

And yes Neri I am only putting on so many chpts at a time to torture you all. (insert evil laugh)

Well that's all for now expect chpt 5 & 6 within the next week, I've got essays do and I like to double check my chpts for this fic before I post them so ya life is cruel and soon I'll have to get a job. TT Now please go review!!


	5. Entering dreams

Shinigami's Bible: Learning the ways of Death

Chapter 5: Entering dreams

I stood at the front door covered in dirt and my hair was soaked thoroughly with the past three months horrors of sleeping on the street. It was raining much to my surprise considering it's nearing February, but that was why I was wet. I smelled and the rain wasn't serving as a great shower, I hated smelling. When I was young I use to get made fun of and got into fights because of it. I sent quite a few kids to the hospital in elementary school. The reason they made fun of me was because one: I didn't have nice clothes like them and two: the plumbing in our house wasn't that great and only two people a day could shower, which meant only Mom and Dad got to use it. Mom did attempt to at least make us look somewhat presentable. Usually she would fill a huge pot with cold water and set it on the stove to boil, then she would take a rag and wipe down our faces, arms, and neck. As far as hair went as long as you didn't have lice there was nothing to worry about. We still live in the same house.....we've never moved, but at least the plumbing works now and everyone can shower. I would hate to see what would happen if we still had the same problem's that we did back then.

Just to delay my knocking on the door more I take the few small steps to the window to my left and look inside. There he is sitting quietly in a chair in front of a warm fire, which is kissing the wood while it hisses in pleasure from the heated contact between them. He looks so relaxed and comfy I have no idea what he's reading it must be good if he's still reading it though. Now I can see the title of the book "The Secrets of What Really Happened During WWI" I guess he's more of a history reading kind of guy.

I really have to stop delaying eventually he's going to notice someone looking through his window. Now all I have to do is knock on his door and not run away, don't run away.

For a second I'm not sure if he even heard me knocking, but then I saw him "slyly" peeking though his window and well I waved at him. His eyes went wide as he realized who it was, the weird gay boy who tried to kill himself for the benefit of his family. God I must look so terrible standing outside like this because when he opened his door he gave me this look that just screamed. "Dear lord have mercy on your sad soul."

"Duo where hav....where have you been?" asked Trowa as he let me into his humble home.

"Out." it was simple and true.

"I know that, but where? I called your house when you didn't show up for your appointment and your mother said you were gone, had been for days." He got me a towel as he spoke.

"I've been wondering the streets since I left actually, did a few things here and there for money, but noting like selling drugs or anything."

If I remember correctly after about three days without food the point in which the pain in your stomach seems to be the only thing filling it, I got a bit desperate for money and did the deed. It's not like I hadn't done it before besides the money I got lasted me two weeks, I had managed to make it stretch quite a bit. Lucky for me I never really had much of an appetite to begin with; I usually gave most of my food to my youngest sibling. After a few minutes of uncomfortable silence he told me that I could go and use his shower, he gave me a set of clothes I could wear.

As I stepped into the bathroom and locked the door I took a good look at the relatively small room. The sink was right across from the toilet which stood about half a foot away from the tub to its left. There was a metal wired looking shelf drilled into the wall there was also a small one also drilled into the tub wall, which was lined with tile. I also notice the bottom half of the bathroom was wood and the top half was a regular white wall and in between the two right above the sink was three pieces of tile. I feel bad because I did something out of habit I put the clothes and towels down on the shelf above the toilet and opened the small door to beneath the sink to see what he had, closed the door, and opened the three small compartments next to it still connected to the sink. Next I opened the bathroom cabinet and looked at his green toothbrush sitting neatly next to the toothpaste and floss on the bottom shelf on the next one band-aids, antiseptic, and baking soda? On the top shelf was some Advil, aspirin, and antidepressants. I guess everybody has problems nowadays, I wonder if he prescribes them to himself?

I finished my shower and was wearing clothes that were one size too big and still managed to hang off me. I was sitting on Trowa's sofa as he brought me some tea to drink and relax more.

"So Duo are you going to go back home anytime soon?" I didn't want to face my family, for some reason I felt like I abandoned them.

"Not really." more one syllable words.

"Why'd you come here, if you don't mind me asking?" not really.

"I remember you saying once that if I ever wanted to talk to you outside of the office it would be fine. You didn't give me an address so I looked you up in the phone book." I feel stupid for coming here now.

"Oh." I wonder if he's trying to dissect my brain right now.

"Look this was a bad idea I'll just leave and bring you back your clothes later." I need to get out.

"Duo just stay." I can't help but wonder if he ever yells.

"This was a mistake I need to leave." I want out, I never even thought of the fact that he might contact my mother. I can't face her right now I'm too screwed up at the moment.

"You coming here was a good idea Duo."

"Why?" I need him to give me a reason.

"By coming here you realized that no one, not even you can be alone forever. People need to be there for each other Duo or else they just end up doing stupid things." the guy doesn't seem the type to just pull that line out of a book. It sounds more like he knows how much it hurts to be a victim of society or maybe himself.

I can't take it when the lights are out and no ones here

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A/N: Ah yes

Another chapter, another day, another day to waste away, waiting for reviews.

So what do ya think good chpt?

Oh come on I'm just dying for feedback I beg of you REVIEW PLASE!!

Thank you for your time.

Sev-chan (the psycho)


	6. Saving the souls not meant to die

Shinigami's Bible: Learning the ways of Death

Chapter 6: Saving the souls not meant to die

The fire continued to crackle as both Trowa and I pressed on with the conversation. Suddenly I noticed that he lives alone and for some reason I had failed to notice that earlier. So here he was, telling me that no one can live on their own without emotional support. I can hardly see why he's still talking to me about this. Anyways it doesn't matter what he says in the end it's my decision.

"Listen Duo I understand you're an adult now and that what I say probably doesn't have much of an effect on you either way. But the decisions you make now really will affect the outcome of what happens in the future." I can't believe this man.

"You don't think I don't know that ?"

"I know you know that, you've probably had teachers telling you that since you entered school."

"Then why say it now if it's getting so damn repetitive?" some times I just like to start stuff so I can yell, but right now I don't feel like following that trait of mine.

"Because I know what it's like to make a bad decision and I know that no matter how many times I pray to God at night it's never going to change what happened."

"What was it? What happened?" I guess my curiosity will always get the better of me. It seemed as if he had been waiting to let someone hear this, like if he didn't let it out now of all times he'd burst.

"...............Many things can change how someone turns out in the end, while life is still processing the future. I did some of the most stupidest things when I was young. More or less near your age while most of this happened. I know it's a bit unprofessional to be telling you this, but maybe it could help you out a little if any. I was in high school, which to me was honestly a blur. Taking into consideration that I was so hipped up on drugs and completely into the party scene, it probably wouldn't be that much of a surprise to anyone if I had ended up a bum on the streets. One night I was at a party with a group of friends and well did what most teens did and got drunk and faded. That night I was suppose to be with a different friend for his eighteenth birthday party to go see his first rated R movie in theaters, but it didn't happen. My mother had sent me a message on my cell, I needed to get home. My friend Ralph was driving me home since he was the one to bring me there, his parents also wanted him home early for some reason, I thought my parents finally found out why my floor boards were so loose. We were in his car a Ford pickup a hand-me down car from his brother and he was driving down main during the hour it was mostly empty, but we didn't see the other car form across the street that was turning. We were driving so damn fast when we shouldn't have been and we swerved at the last minute to get out of the way only to hit something still. I remember crawling out of the truck with blood making its way down my forehead and left arm. I got out of the car and saw a body lying lifelessly on the pavement blood staining the already unclean ground on which it lied. I tuned the body over so that I could check to see if the guy was alive, but the only thing I saw was the pale face of the friend I had ditched so I could go to the party." Oh my God.

"Oh my God." I can't believe something like that actually happened to him.

"I cried knowing it was my fault that it had happened. If I had only kept my promise to him and went to the movies with him instead of that dumb party he'd still be alive. After that incident I begged my parents to move because I couldn't take going to school and looking at an empty desk where he used to sit, I didn't want to see someone else take that seat, I needed to leave."

"Did your parents agree to move?"

"Eventually yes after I had told them the circumstances of my guilt."

"You told them you........." I can't finish that sentence.

"No, they know I was involved in the accident. They also though it would be best if I changed my surroundings. When the police had gotten to the car accident I was clutching to his frail body afraid that if I let go he'd open his eyes and yell at me for letting complete strangers take off with him. I continued to hold on to him till they eventually pried his cold form from my arms and still I fought and screamed at them to leave him alone; kept telling them that he was alright and that any second now he'd wake up and be fine. He never woke up." he seems so sad right now, staring blankly at the ground beneath his feet. I couldn't believe it; this man went though something so traumatic and still finds time to listen to other peoples problems.

"Trowa, why are you in the profession that are?" why listen to other peoples sorrows?

"I figured that if I could do something to keep other people from making the same mistakes I made they wont end up hating themselves. That I could make a difference to someone and make them love life rather than loathing it and try to escape."

"Oh." the mans a freaking martyr, at least I think that's the right way to use it, martyr.

"My mother once told me that it's the ones who are dead that have it easy they don't have to deal with the rest of life's problems, that their not the ones who have to move on anymore and go on living. It's too much of a task to put on a smile and act like everything's ok while inside you're slowly dieing. Probably not every parent would tell their children, but still it helped me realize I had to move on."

"I'm sorry." I can't do anything else other than apologize.

"For what?"

"Here I am sitting in your living room because I ran away from home for the soul purpose of avoiding my mother. I'm too afraid to face my mother and what she'll think of me when she finds out why I go into a fight, over a stupid break up."

"That's why you ran away."

"I don't want my mother to hate me, this is the only family I got and I don't want to be shunned because of who and what I am." I've started crying great, I'm surprised Trowa hasn't sent me off to my home yet. I hate crying I always feel so damn weak.

For a second I thought Trowa had thrown a blanket over me when I felt something warm wrapped around my shoulders. It turns out it's Trowa hugging me I'm glad he's doing it, it's actually making me feel better. It sort of reminds me of how good it feels to cry in warm rain; knowing that no one is able to tell the tears apart from the small drops of water surrounding me. Trowa would be the warm rain and yet he's also my shelter as well protecting me from all the things that wish to hurt me. I don't know when I started to feel this way towards him, Trowa that is, I feel like our souls were meant to intertwine with one another.

"She could never hate you Duo or else why would she give birth to you?"

"Welfare?"

"Uh...........I hope not." It's nice it really is not even Heero held me like this. I mean sure he held me, but it never made me feel this good. In the end I guess I really wasn't in love with him, I was in love with the thought of being in love. But it felt good while it lasted it honestly did.

I took a deep breath and listened to the fire hiss and the rain fall against the roof of Trowa's home. Enjoying the unique rhythm it played as I closed my eyes and tried to imagine the notes float across my view; everything is so soothing I could fall asleep right now, just sitting like this till eventually I wake up and find myself still sleeping near a dumpster. So far this reality doesn't seem to be disappearing. I want to live in this moment forever.

If I could live in a dream with my despair knowing it's all an illusion, I could die happy.

* * *

A/N: So how was that, I know I'm trying to draw out the chapters more, but for some reason I'm finding it a little difficult.

This is to the Anonymous reviewer- I don't mind the criticism it's extremely helpful!! And thank you very much for taking the time to read this.


	7. Captivating God

Shinigami's Bible: Learning the ways of Death

Chapter 7: Captivating God

I couldn't help but wonder that maybe if I held on to him a bit longer he'd feel how fast my heart was racing. This was the kind of comfort I had been waiting, longing, hoping for all my life. Insecure yet strong at the same time, I was with someone who in my opinion needed exactly what I needed....another soul like my own to console him. This man, this person, this human contact is all I need. Trowa, what am I suppose to do when my desire for a familiar likeness of my own is what I seek? There is no way I can forget this feeling, when all I want is more of it this heat consuming me inch by inch...for the remainder of my lifespan. Trowa I don't think you ever noticed that in the time we have spent with each other......I fell in love with you. Who couldn't? It'd be hard not to he has such a soothing voice, a clam exterior, such warm eyes, and the most comforting arms.

"Trowa do you think it would be alright if I could sleep in your bed with you tonight?" I sound so damn insecure, it scares me.

"Of course, but tomorrow I think it would be best if I took you back to your mother she's probably worried sick." I doubt that, as much she loves me she'd just love to get me out of that house.

"Thanks Trowa." I don't want whatever bad dream that might be plaguing me tonight to scare me like it did when I was out on the streets.

We sat like that, him holding me for a few seconds longer. Then finally he let his arms slowly slip from its soft hold around me. For some reason I can't help but wonder if his lips are as soft as I think they are, if his skin is as smooth to the touch as I hope it would be. The door to Trowa's bedroom was large and had beautiful carvings of angels and ivy all around the edges. When he opened the door to his room the first thing that popped into my mind was that this was a gorgeous yet simple room at the same time. It seemed to glow like a tanish-gold; the blankets were the same color as well as the curtains and rug that was laid down on the nicely polished wooden floor. The old lamps seemed to also add to that effect as they just sat one on either side of the bed brightening the dim room.

"Nice." it sort of makes me want to do the whole therapy thing if I could live like this and afford nice things.

"Thanks, got most of it from the flea-market." I could never see this guy going to a flea-market. Those places are usually filled with a bunch of people who don't even speak English most either speak Spanish and some kind of Asian language I can't even begin to understand.

"Really?"

"Yes well I'm sort of a cheap guy at times." he pulls the blankets out from the tucked position they are in beneath the mattress so that we can get under them.

"You learn something new everyday."

"Yeah like nostalgia isn't always a good thing."

"What do you mean?" we both crawl underneath the lush sheets and comforters. He turns off the lights by clapping his hands twice, while he answers me at the same time.

"As much as I love to remember things, locking away bad memories seems to help me cope with my life at times when I need to the most. No offense to you or any of the other people I've spoken with at my office, but listening to other peoples sorrows makes me realize that life seems to be so hopeless and serves no real point." Trowa probably only thinks of me as just another patient. I'm nothing special I have nothing to offer him except more depressing thoughts and I can't seem to make up my mind at times when I need to the most.

"Life is pointless, I figured that one out a long time ago that there's honestly no real reason to go on living. As I see it you spend half of your life at school studying trying to make something of yourself and get ready for the real world. Only once you reach this real world you then spend the rest of your meaningless life working, not really accomplishing anything other than managing to raise your stress level and blood pressure. It's all so damn pointless, if you realize how dull life truly is you'll eventually come to your senses and just-"

"Duo I've always wondered why you did what you did, but I think I'm starting to realize that you lost faith in this world and your life a long time ago."

"You don't know how true that is." I spent most of my life striving to make life better for my family and at the same time tried to have a life of my own without causing any disturbance in my mothers' sanity. It was hard enough on her when Dad left to go buy milk and never came back and I know it doesn't take that long to go buy one gallon of milk. My memory of the father I once knew is vague; I remember he was tall and that he had blue eyes and dark-brown hair and looked like he had muscles. I don't really like to think of him as my father more like the man who got my mother pregnant just so that his family name could live on. Oh yes, I can just see it now there I am walking down the street in some random town and I go to buy something or get pulled over and someone wants to see my I.D. card. The person looks at it looks back at me and back at the card then asks if I'm actually related to some guy named Jake Maxwell the third and I say yes and I end up having to pay for some sort of damage that was done because of him. Actually I don't know my fathers first name, Mother never calls him by his first name and I've never seen any cards or anything with his name written on it. So I just thought I could make up a nice first name for the man, even though I'd rather pretend he never existed in the first place. Once in a while I'd like to think that he's out there somewhere wondering about the family he left behind and why he did in the first place. Maybe he'd think that what he did was wrong and is trying to find a way back home to us right now. But in the end I know it's all so damn childish to think that he'd ever come back now.

"So what made you think the way you do?"

"Life made me think this way...." plain and simple, all life ever did for me was bring heart ache and pain. Suffering was also something life just loved to throw my way; I like to think that since the day we are born we are dying. At first we start off healthy, but as the years progresses times starts to take its toll, we start to become sick more often, our heart seems to be beating irregularly and the strength that we once had is gone.

"It's not necessarily life that makes people think this way, but what we've experienced in what little time we've spent is what changes us and alters our thoughts."

"Trowa what's the worst thing to ever happen to you?" I'm guessing the death of his friend; I probably shouldn't even have asked him.

"......" now I know I shouldn't have asked him that question.

"I'm sorry."

"No don't be, I just find it hard saying it, but it would have to be the loss of my best friend. What about you? What's the worst thing that happened to you?"

I could go on forever with all the bad things that have happened to me, but to choose the worst I find it hard to pick. I could say my father leaving would be the worst thing ever, but I could also say my getting raped was the worst thing, Heero breaking up with me, my failure of committing suicide, or maybe my not being able to provide a better life for my brothers and sisters.

"Losing my innocence....." not my virginity, but I'd rather live life ignorant rather than knowing about and being involved in all the bad things.

"I think it's getting late let's just get some sleep now." I close my eyes and hope for a good dream tonight.

The night.....always so cold, so overwhelming, I often find myself grabbing at things in my sleep. Things I see in my dreams, pieces of what I use to be my soul. If anything it's usually me I'm trying to grab, there I am I always see myself walking and no matter how fast I run I can never catch up to myself. Somehow I always lose myself, I can't stand the night.

Trowa woke up only to find my arms and legs wrapped around him; it's a bad habit of mine. I was awake before he was so when he slowly started to ease out of my hold on him I felt hurt. He thought I was asleep, just because I have my eyes closed doesn't mean I'm still off in my mind in a world that doesn't exist!

"Just because you think you're more believable in the skepticism of your own mind, doesn't mean you have to ignore what your heart tells you to believe in." what was that? Does Trowa always say things to people when he thinks they're asleep?

Eventually I got up neither of us said a thing about my limbs being wrapped around his form. Trowa was cooking Mickey Mouse shaped waffles the syrup was in this red container shaped like an older women in a dress with an apron on and a handkerchief tied around her head to keep her hair out of the way and arms crossed in front of her, not in front of her chest, but sort of like resting on her lap even though she was standing up. I sat down and ate what was given to me to eat. It was kind of creepy, when I pushed open the container to pour the syrup, the ladies head came up by the neck.

After we finished eating we took our showers-he let me borrow his clothes again- and went outside to his car. His car is black, I'm actually not sure what the name of the company that even makes it, it's not important anyways. I get inside once he unlocks the door.....I have never sat in anything as comfy as the seat I'm sitting in right now. The car looks completely spotless and looks like he never uses it. We drove for a while in silence; I guess Trowa got a bit uneasy with it so he turned on the radio.

I convinced Trowa to go to the local park first instead of going straight to my house. This was my last attempt to prolong my going back home to that life I honestly wanted no part of now. We sat on a bench for a while and just watched all the little happy children play and wave at their parents who in turned waved back at them. I envy all these kids, never once had my mother ever taken me or my siblings to the park. To me I think that these people will never know what it's like to live life the way I have. Do these people even know what it feels like to be neglected?

"Hey Trowa?"

"What is it Duo?"

"Will you push me on the swings?" I could care less if I looked like a fool I just wanted to know what it was like being up in the air, one step closer to God.

"Sure Duo." I'm surprised he even agreed I know it's going to look weird, the two of us. I know that I'm making up my own little would now, here I am pretending in my own heart and mind that Trowa and I are.....together.

I got on the swing and Trowa slowly started to let the swing sway forward and backwards. Each time I came back towards Trowa he would push just a little bit harder, but not enough to knock me off the swing. This is what I wanted; this is what I always dreamed up when I was young. The sweet smell of freshly cut grass in the air and someone who actually cared sharing this moment with me. I knew this wasn't going to last forever so I wanted to make the best of it all while I still could.

"We should probably get going now we've already spent an hour here."

"Really it doesn't seem like an hour passed by." my moments of fun are gone now.

Here we were it wasn't a long drive, but I wish it was. I didn't want to be here not at home, but sooner or later I was going to have to come back. I know I shouldn't do what I'm about to do, but if I don't do it now I may lose all the courage that I worked so hard since last night to gather. So with the last of my self-esteem left I did it. I closed my eyes wrapped my arms around his shoulders so I could hug him then grazed my check against his and let my lips lightly touch his hoping he wouldn't push me away. I opened my eyes and saw that Trowa had also closed his eyes, but then he opened them and looked so confused. Quickly I got out of the car and thanked Trowa for letting me stay the night at his house and for making me breakfast and also for letting me share his bed. It was time to face the reality I had tried so hard to avoid; I walked up to the front door and knocked. I know that only strangers knock, but being here felt so foreign to me now. After months of wondering the streets in hopes of finding the answer that never wanted to be found I finally wanted to do this. The door opened.

"Hi mom."

Life's too short to spend it being depressed; I should have learned that a long time ago.

* * *

A/N: This one's actually more than three pages long. Anyone willing to review?

::looks around and blinks twice::

That's ok thanks to everyone who's reviewed so far!

Sev-chan out


	8. Stealing the angels

Shinigami's Bible: Learning the ways of Death

Chapter 8: Stealing the angels

We stared at each other for a minute I felt that she was trying to figure out who I was. I hadn't been gone that long, long enough for her to forget me. She just kept staring with this blank expression and it never occurred to me that she might take my running away as abandoning the family. I never would do that, but in a way I already had.

"Duo....I've been waiting for you to come back." she let me into the house.

"I'm sorry I took off." we stood in the living room and I noticed my brothers and sisters were asleep on the floor with blankets thrown over them.

"I need you to take your stuff, all of it and leave." I wasn't about to put up a fight, so I just bended to her will.

I walked past all my little brothers and sisters still lying fast asleep on the floor even through all of our talking and wished I was still that young. If I was still a child and not considered an adult I could be sleeping peacefully on the carpet without a worry about the world around me. They won't have to worry about where their next meal is going to come from. I don't know how I'm going to keep myself clean and clothed and I don't know where I'm going to lay my head at night any more. As we stepped into my small room - which to be honest is the size of a small walk in closet- I saw that what little things I had were packed. In my mind all I can think is.....it's so sad knowing that my whole life can fit into one bag, and once I step out that door I'm alone. In a way I feel as if my mother doesn't truly care about what happens to me anymore.

"So does this mean I can't stop by every once in a while?"

"Duo of course you can stop by I'm not banishing you from this house forever." I sat down next to the bag on my bed.

"What am I going to do?" my mother sat down next to me placing that slim arm of hers around on and across my shoulders.

"I know it's sudden of me to be kicking you out and all, but I think it's best this way. I mean you'll get a chance to make a living on your own."

"Not to sound rude Mother but in all honesty where the hell do I have a place to go home to now!?"

"Don't yell you'll wake your brothers and sisters." I hate how she never raises her voice, like somehow she has a better grasp on life and she won't let anyone else touch it because she's too greedy.

"It's not my fault damn it." I can't start crying now, I can't, not in front of Mother.

"Duo, I have complete confidence that you can survive on your own, your still alive now are you not?" barely.

"Mom you have no idea of what I had to do to stay alive for so long." I did the only thing I could do. I picked up my bag and walked out of my room past my younger siblings and out the front door.

It was only then that I crouched down on the porch and started crying. I know my mother and she is not the kind of person who would run after someone. That's why I let myself crumble in front of the place I was first built. After a few good minutes of crying my ears finally picked up on a clinking sound near the road. I lifted my head and saw Trowa still parked out front I could tell he wasn't waiting for me. Actually it looked like he was trying to figure out what was wrong with his car, because he had the hood open, it was the only guess I could make. Getting up slowly I picked up my bag and walked toward Trowa's car, which seems to have died on him.

"Umm.....h-hey Trowa." I can't believe it stupid, stupid me. I didn't even wait for my voice to stop hitching and if my red face didn't give away that I was just crying my voice did.

"Duo what's wrong and why do you have a bag full of clothes?" I guess I should just tell him.

"Since my mother can't afford to feed so many mouths I'm going to live on my own from now on." Trowa looked at me with a look of worry and concern on his face and I couldn't blame him. I'd be giving me the same expressions too.

"Duo you haven't even graduated from high school yet what are you thinking?"

"That I can get by on my good looks?"

"Bad joke."

"I know." I couldn't even laugh right now, even if I put up that horrible mask of mine.

"Live with me."

"What?" I can't believe it, I don't want to.

"Come live with me."

"You've only got one bed!" why am I arguing?

"I'll seep on the couch."

"I couldn't do that to you."

"Do what?" impose damn it, impose!

"It wouldn't be right." I want share a bed with you again, but I don't think I could handle you rejecting my touch every morning.

"I don't see why, you need a place to stay I have a room.......I'm offering just say yes." he closes the hood to his car and sits in the drivers seat, turns the key in the ignition and the car starts.

"Ok I will, but only if we share your bed." this is going to end badly I just know it.

"Great, now that that's settled lets go home." home I like that.

Once again we were in his car, driving home it still feels a bit awkward to me. Seriously how many people can say they live with their therapist? Not many, I don't think I made the best decision and I know Trowa has to have a life so he won't always be home. I just need to learn to be on my own and not fuck my life up at the same time. Lets see first thing to do on my get back on track list is to call Wufei and apologize for being a complete retard. Second on that list is to get in contact with Heero and try to work things through. I need something to unlatch me from Trowa, I can't continue to go crushing on a guy who only thinks of me as......I'm not sure.

"Duo?"

"Yes."

"Nothing, never mind." I wonder what that was about.

A sudden uneasy feeling just started to rise in the pit of my stomach. It just occurred to me that he hasn't said a word to me about what I did earlier. So, he's going to let me share his bed with him pretend I didn't kiss him earlier and do......what? I honestly should have listened to Wufei when he told me I should learn to think before I act. Definitely need to talk to Wufei once we get to the house.

"Duo we're here." I watched as he got out of the car and shut the door he had this odd look on his face. Maybe that's what he was going to ask me about why I kissed him, but I don't think I should tell him. Hopefully he'll pretend like it didn't happen, I think I like how that sounds. Pretend it didn't happen and be ok with the world, for now.

"Is it ok if I use the phone?" I asked the second he got the front door open.

"Sure it's bye the lamp." this is going to be weird. I dialed the number that had been etched into my memory since I was eight years old. Listening to the ring of the phone was a bit comforting I would be happy even if he didn't answer his phone.

"Hello Chang residents Meilan speaking."

"Hey Meilan it's me Duo." I heard her take in a sharp breath.

"Oh my God Duo are you ok, where have you been, have you talked to your mother?" a million questions at once and I can only answer one.

"I'm fine, is Wufei around I really need to talk to him?" she pauses for a second maybe she's looking to see if he's in the house.

"One second he's in the bathroom." uhh.....she couldn't have said he was busy at the moment.

"Um....ok too much information." it really is.

"It's the truth oh one second he's coming out right now." I can hear his voice on the other line in the back-round. "Here he is"

"Hey Wufei." please don't be mad at me.

"Duo where are you right now?" I guess I should tell him.

"You remember my therapist right?" I forgot I never told Wufei about Trowa.

When reality hits you like a ton of bricks flung off the top of a twelve story building everything seems too overwhelming to handle on your own. I need Wufei, I need Trowa, I need Heero, I need them all like I need my guilt to keep me going every morning. Interpret that how ever you want. I regret all the bad and stupid things I did in my life, when I had a family I had nothing. My guilt is the only thing I cherish.

A soul like mine is too tainted to obtain wings

* * *

A/N: Sorry that this took so long to get up it's the beginning of finals week at my school and I was preoccupied with a play I was co-directing with three other people, but hey it was a great success we had about 79 people showed up and considering that this was a class production it went great. (I'm never working the box-office again)

Thanks for reading

Sev-chan out


	9. Punishing the sinners

Shinigami's Bible: Learning the ways of Death

Chapter 9: Punishing the sinners

When you're young the days seem to progress so swiftly. The once chilled months of the year melt into spring and the world somehow doesn't seem that hard to face anymore. Every morning is spent waking up to the same bird chirping endlessly each dawn and every night is spent trying to decipher if the tune the frogs and crickets play is really worth listening to. Of course mornings are still cold, they always are, even in the summer. I'd like to think that I could carry on like this forever, but as time and life have shown me nothing is ever going to go my way. It's a miracle I even made it this far in life, it honestly is.

I suppose that is how I ended up where I am right now. Loading two bullets into the compartments of a revolver. People must truly wonder what goes through my head when I pull all these dumb stunts. Dumb stunts, that's all this is to everyone a dumb stunt I'm pulling just to get attention. I talked to Heero, things are ok between us they only problem is I don't feel the same way I use to about him. Wufei and I are back to being great friends -I don't think we ever really stopped in the first place- I finally told him about why I tried to commit suicide. He said it was for a noble cause, but to never do it again.

So, now the question is, why am I loading a revolver? Trowa, not necessarily because of him, but because I can't stand being alive and near him if he doesn't feel the same about me. Never once has he said any thing about me kissing him since the moment it happened and I think the only reason he doesn't mention it is because he doesn't want to hurt my feelings by telling me he can't return my feelings. Oh God Trowa you mean the world to me and you don't even know it, I'm too afraid of rejection to face him like a human with dignity.

I place the barrel of the gun at my head and clench my eyes shut, as much as I want to die, I'm afraid. It hurts so much and so bad, why do I do this to myself, why do I constantly pull that trigger in my mind but never in real life? How I wish I could drown in my own blood just once. It would serve me right for never doing it in the first place. If I really wanted to die I would have killed myself from the beginning of my depression and never have to worry about all the pain I feel now. I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself! Trowa must hate me.....because people who hate themselves can never be happy and that deters others from wanting to get to know and love them.

"Duo come down now!" maybe I shouldn't have left that note, I wonder how he managed to find me.

"Why should I?" I need a reason Trowa give me that reason.

"You might get hurt!"

"Obviously you skipped part of the note!" like the part about me not being able to like this anymore.

"If I did I'll read it again! Duo, you said something about the pain being too much to bear what did you mean by that?" I forgot what I even wrote about in the note, but I do remember mentioning something about how it hurts -something- really bad.

Do I really want to tell him? Do I really want him to know how I feel about him? I cant, it hurts just to think that maybe he won't like me, won't feel the way I feel. I stood on the roof looking down at Trowa who was staring back at me with those beautiful emerald eyes of his.

"......Trowa....have you ever heard of a game called Russian roulette?...." he stared at me and before he had the chance to speak I continued. "Russian Roulette (1) an act of bravado consisting of spinning the cylinder of a revolver loaded with one cartridge, pointing the muzzle at one's own head, and pulling the trigger. It's a game of chance Trowa. Do you want that chance?" I think that in all my years of schooling that's the only thing I can remember so vividly, read it in a book.

"Duo what the hell is wrong with you?" that voice, Wufei he must have come with Trowa. Another reason for Wufei being here, Trowa doesn't know any of the places I like to go when I want to be alone, but.....Wufei does.

"......" in all my life the moments in which I need to speak, I say nothing.

"Duo come down!" Trowa keeps trying, but I can't. I came here to stop this pain of mine from consuming me so that I wouldn't end up in an insane asylum.

"I'm coming up." Wufei, it's going to take him fifteen minutes before he finds a way up here. I never did tell him how to get up, and now he's off to the back.

"Duo I still don't know why you're doing this."

"Duo you really want to know?" dumb question, of course he does, he wouldn't be asking if it weren't the case.

I take a few minuets to idly wonder how it would look if I just jumped off the roof right now. The whole situation somehow seems familiar to me. Like I've done this before. I sometimes sit and wonder if past lives are true and if you can remember them, it would explain all of my warped thinking and odd nightmares. Although once in a while I catch a glimpse of the past in those terrible present dreams of mine. I usually see me as a child running around in a field my mom and dad both with me, we're all smiling and then I wake up.

"I love you Trowa.....do you know how hard it is for me to say something like that? Knowing that you don't feel the same about me hurts so much more than the time I tried to slit my wrist. Every failed attempt at suicide could never hurt as much as this feeling right now."

"I can't compare to the transparency of water Duo you can't read my thoughts or expressions, you have no say on how I feel about you."

"What?"

"Duo I know that I'm older and that in a perfect world I'd know all the answers to any question for anyone who asked, but I don don't."

Oh holy spirits watching over me, pray for my soul.

* * *

A/N: I had no intentions of this chpt coming out so late. Been busy packing, we're moving! -oh joy- (can you feel the sarcasm?) Anywho go, off with ya, and review!


	10. Ignoring the pain

Shinigami's Bible: Learning the way of Death

Chapter 10: Ignoring the pain

Trowa stared up at me with an unwavering expression of clam on his face, but his voice was definitely giving away the fact that he's afraid of what I' might do at this present moment in time.

"Then tell me Trowa I need to hear how you feel about me........"

"Come down." I won't lose.

"Tell me." the words just kept getting louder each time.

"Come down." this time he said it in a more demanding tone.

"Tell me." so I did the same.

"Come down!" his voice rose.

"Tell me!" so did mine.

"Duo!"

"Damn it Trowa tell me now or I'll shoot !" I feel like this is the only way I can get him to say it.

"I'm sorry........I'm not in love with you, but I do feel the makings of it."

"And somehow I find it hard to believe that you'll ever love me."

"It's not my intention to get your hopes up Duo." then don't say you feel the makings of loving me you bastard, tell me you love me, say that you'll only live for me and never let me go.

"At this moment I could care less even if you lied!" I hissed at him. I was upset, confused and at the same time so happy. If he really does feel that way towards me does it mean that there's hope? And if so, how long will it take before he truly does become completely in love with me? I looked down to cast my eyes upon my once-upon-a-time therapist who for some reason had disappeared during my mental musings. Maybe common sense just hit him and he took off before I noticed, so he wouldn't have to deal with looking at my pitiful form.

"With this world so full joy, I feel I have no place in it." so for the first time in a long while I was going to attempt suicide once again. Slowly, but steadily I brought the gun against my head, closed my eyes tight, and pulled the trigger.

CLICK

What the hell?

CLICK

What in Gods name is wrong with this gun!?

CLICK, CLICK, CLICK

I know I loaded it so what was wrong, why wasn't it working like it was suppose to? Finally, I get the guts to pull the fucking trigger and what happens, no bullets come out. Now for some reason I feel hot warm tears falling from my eyes. Why does God want to torture me so much, why can't he just let me fucking die!? I want to die.....I'm alone and can't go on when Trowa has abandoned me, at least I feel abandoned. For a second, I feel arms wrap around me, those unforgettable arms that make me feel so.....damn safe.

"Shhh." I wonder where Wufei is and how Trowa managed to get up here so fast.

"Trowa I-" He didn't let me finish my sentence.

"You haven't been the only troubled teen in this town." I just smiled slightly, I want Trowa to love me completely, but how?

"Duo, are you going to let go of that gun?" I wasn't sure if he was afraid I'd still use it on me or maybe he.......

"Not yet." I'm not quite sure why I want to keep the gun still, it's not like I'm going to kill us both so we wont have to be apart or something like that. All of a sudden, there was a loud crashing sound. And my reflexes being what they are, pulled the trigger of the gun. Low and behold a loud resounding sound came from the barrel, bringing with it the pain I wish never to feel again after this moment.

"Duo are you ok!" I could hear Trowa yell as he grabbed me before I felt my body go limp and I lost most coherent thought.

"Searing, unbearable pain." were the last words I ever remember saying before my world went black.

Direct decedents of my blood, let me live no more

* * *

A/N: a short chpt, last one is going to say a lot.


	11. Deaths silence

Shinigami's Bible: Learning the ways of Death

Chapter 11: Deaths silence

Most often memories in the past are what make us happiest the most, but I'd have to say at this moment, it's not the case. I wanted him to touch me in all the places no one else had ever touched me before. Love me the many ways one would love a lover, touch a lover, kiss a lover, taste a lover, and be enchanted by our need and desire to be with one another, like lovers. I wanted him to be my everything -like Heero once was- only I wanted too much. I should have been content enough just to be by his side. I kept pushing and I guess I finally shoved too much and fell, hard. My choices and my decisions are what got me to where I am right now, I guess I have to live with this outcome, I hope.

Right now the only place I think I could be is Hell, but I might be wrong and I'm probably in a hospital right now; because for some odd reason God just won't let me die! I guess in this case I'll let it slip, for now. Besides I can smell that distinctive hospital smell, an antiseptic sheen covering everything, the steady rhythm of the heart monitor beeping with each beat of my heart, and the light pit-pat sound the I.V. makes as it's sweet nectar drops into the small tube connected to the needle previously inserted into my arm, I hate hospitals now, so much. Why can't God just let me rest in peace? In his eyes I guess I just don't deserve it.....that peace I desire.

"Duo, I'm so sorry, so sorry, I'm sorry, so sorry I'm..... uh forgive me." I wonder who called my mother, but it's nice in a way to hear her voice again, it's been so long. Or maybe she's just here out of guilt, kicking her oldest out and now sees the outcome of what she's done and regrets it, well I won't take her back! I don't want anything to do with her anymore, I've got Trowa and Wufei. They are the only people I need in my damn life!

"Mommy is Duo going to be ok?" oh God, I can't believe she brought my brothers and sisters with her, a hospital is no place for a kid, there's too much death.

"Of course he is, your brothers' strong." bullshit, if that were the case I wouldn't be here right now.

"Is he going away like Daddy did?" kids ask too many questions.

"No, Duo would never do that to us, he's better than that....." it actually makes me happy to hear her say that. Maybe she finally accepted the fact that Dad is gone -acceptance- I guess she finally got past denial.

I heard the door creak open and close, my mother gasped, I assume someone just told her exactly what the circumstances are concerning how I got injured. I'm too out of it to actually listen to other people.

"Hello Mrs. Maxwell." Wufei? I'm awake and now I'm curious, why would my mother gasp when he came in? Surprise, surprise he's wearing a cast and is using crutches, what the hell happened to him?

"Wufei, what happened?" yes, do tell I'm intrigued.

"Well you see apparently people aren't meant to fly."

"Oh, really you barely figured that out?"

"I never fell from a building before, so I thought I'd give it a try." I swear everyone I know is full of sarcasm and joy.

Hell even Trowa's got it, I love Trowa , now if only he could love me back I wouldn't be so down.

"It's all my fault Mrs. Maxwell, if I hadn't tripped on my way up the building he wouldn't be here right now." Wufei so you're the dope who knocked over those cans.

"Really don't blame yourself Wufei, I'm sure Duo wouldn't want you to." I don't.

"But it is." He sat down in the chair that my mother so graciously vacated for him and clenched his fists in his lap. If he continues to clench any harder he's going to make his palms bleed.

"Wufei, I'm still a bit in the dark about what happened out there, so can you please tell me?"

"Sure....." I watched as my mother grabbed another chair that was close by and sat down in front of Wufei, "it was early this morning that I got a call from Trowa...."

"Trowa?" asked my mother, obviously wondering who the hell that person was.

"Oh come on Mrs. Maxwell don't you pay attention to what's going on in your sons life, Trowa is or was Duo's therapist. Anyways continuing on, I got a call from Trowa telling me that Duo was gone and that he left a note about....well I guess another suicide attempt. Well, once I heard that I hung up the phone and headed straight over and when I got there Trowa asked me if I knew if there was someplace that Duo likes to go. And the only place I remember him ever talking about before was the abandoned warehouse on Clover St."

"So when you guys got there where was he?"

"On top of the roof. Well Trowa was quicker than I and was talking to Duo by the time I managed to turn off the car...." I watched as he closed his eyes for a brief second like he was trying to picture the event and reply it all over again in his mind. "I've never heard Duo talk like that before and his voice was so devoid of emotion. It really sacred me to see him like that, he had a gun with him and so I decided to find a way up and left to the back. By the time I managed to get up there I ended up tripping over some damn trash cans and the last thing I remember hearing was the sound of a gun going off."

"Oh my God, so that's how he got shot I can't believe he tried to shoot himself."

"Not to be rude Mrs. Maxwell, but don't you think that if he tried to kill himself the first time by overdosing, him trying to shoot himself shouldn't be that big of a surprise?"

"Mommy if someone has their eyes open does that mean they're awake?" darn you Lily.

"Duo you're awake?"

"No, I just opened my eyes for no reason, I'm really still asleep."

"Well then you should wake up because we're all worried." my little brother Connie, I think my mother and father must have been drugged or drunk when they named half of us.

"It was.......never mind." Once again the door opens and this time in walks Trowa and the doctor, the first person I wanted to see, Trowa, not the doctor.

"Duo you're awake!" argg....

"Yes I am." will people stop saying and asking that!

"Mr. Maxwell lets not make a habit of meeting like this." Is he trying to be funny?

"I'll try sir, but I won't promise you anything." might as well answer, still not very funny.

"Since Dr. Barton has cleared up the matter I still need to talk to you, Mrs. Maxwell, and Mr. Chang." Wufei left first then my mother turned to leave the room, stopped and asked Trowa if he could take all my brothers and sisters to the Waiting Room and well, wait. So I was left to my own devices, found a small notebook and started to just write the first thing that came to mind, I was content with the outcome. A poem I guess, called "I Must Die".

I didn't even hear the door open and the sad excuse for a poem was snatched from my fingers by the doctor, Trowa right behind him. Trowa scanned over the words and I saw his eyes widen then go back to a calm state, he does that a lot. Then the doctor goes and reads it aloud. I'm not sure why maybe he wanted my mother and Wufei to hear it. Apparently they found someone else to watch my siblings.

I Must Die

No more inside nothing feels right,   
No more brings that glistening light.   
Everything foreshadows a great dawn,   
Life is nothing like an elegant fawn.   
Death seems closer   
I feel blinded   
Die..Die..

My life never flashes before my eyes,   
All I hear are my distant cries.   
Bellowing low in my ear,   
Complaints and yelling is all I hear.   
Why does death come closer?   
I still feel blinded   
I am dying.

Oh my God how this pain burns inside me,   
Not feeling how I should   
This hurting pain just burns me down   
I'll take this clever or this string   
And I'll and I'll   
Just die   
There is no hope for this person

Death still comes closer   
I'm now blind by my fear   
I'm dead.

"I don't think the therapy you gave him helped much." him is me and I'm right here!

"Um... I don't know what to say." oh great Trowa probably thinks I need more help now.

"Oh my." my mother has a hand covering her mouth like she just saw someone murdered or something.

"Duo I......." Wufei can't even form a freaking sentence, I don't see what the hells wrong though.

"I think that maybe you need to be put on an anti-depressants." no I don't, although it dose seem tempting.

"I can't afford medication." you're not my guardian anymore, Mother!

"Well actually Duo's living with me." oh, I feel a slight argument coming on.

"Since when?!" oh, Mom's yelling.

"Since you kicked him out." truly a bad choice of words Trowa.

"I didn't kick him out, I asked him to go live on his own, and he said he could, so he left." Lies all lies.

"I'm sure and that's why he was crying out on the front porch once he shut the door behind him." Trowa you bastard, you saw me crying, and didn't say anything!

"Duo, you were crying?" God no.

"......" I can't even tell my own mother how much it hurt to hear her say that she wanted me gone. I didn't want to bother anybody really, but Trowa kept insisting and well the thought of having someone to come home to sounded so good at that moment. Now I just wish that I had left on my own, I probably wouldn't even be alive right now if that were the circumstances, but at least I wouldn't have to be dealing with this right now. I hate myself, I hate myself, I make dumb decisions and keep screwing up my life and make everyone keep worrying about me when they don't have to. I'm stupid, I.....and...I...NO! Pity is a place where hatred grows and Hell is a home with a place in my heart. Built full of resentment, pity, and pain I deserve it all, but nobody else does, nobody, just me. I tried so hard to reach that sanctuary in my heart and failed miserably in the end. But I guess in the pits of my mind I felt I was already there. Suffering like I should, feeling the pain I was meat to have, my life is my hell and the devil is me.

I'm in tears now, in front of everyone, letting them see me for who I am ,what I am, weak, and human.

For in the end, I had a dream, called Death.

* * *

A/N: Well that's all for now unless I feel the sudden urge to add more chpts. But I'm content enough with where it's at right now.

In my mind I feel this is the way to end it all.

Poem belongs to ex. boyfriend.

Hoped you all enjoyed the fic and if you feel like it, check out some of my other work! (hint, hint, wink, wink, nudge, nudge.)


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